i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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