I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
