I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
