Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Let's get the cat blown out
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
