Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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