Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
