this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
