??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
