oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
