Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
