Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
