and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
