is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
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truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
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That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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