Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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