you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Semen is not good for contacts.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
