I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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