You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
