Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
