btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Four minutes until I can fart!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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