we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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