Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
