A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
