Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
