i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
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We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
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You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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