captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
