Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
