Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
