Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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