You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
