Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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