you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
