Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
