I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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