in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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