so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
