Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
