my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
