Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
