I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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