I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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