Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
