So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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