Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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