dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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