I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
