I think scott just propositioned me for sex
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
