There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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