I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
