well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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