you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
