Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
