Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
