We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
