It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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