Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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