Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
