I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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