I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
