Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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