:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
