My room smells like vodka and shame
I can text with my tongue
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
