3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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