It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
