Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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