Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
